1. Go To the Movies
Somehow, going to the movies became a default first date move for an entire generation, and it will forever be baffling how that came to be. Going to the movies is one of the WORST ideas for a first date, for several reasons:
- You are guaranteed to not talk for about 2 hours (or worse yet, one of you will reveal yourselves to be one of those people who talk throughout the entire movie and annoy everyone around you)
- You and your date might have juuuust different enough taste in movies that one of you likes the film and the other doesn’t, and so your first impression of one another will be instantly distrusting of the other’s opinion
But mostly, it’s the subtler social awkwardness that will screw you over – do you hold hands during the movie? Do you share a popcorn, or each get your own? Do you – HEY, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY MAKING YOUR DATE STAY PAST THE CREDITS FOR THE BONUS SCENE? I know this is a Marvel movie but C’MON DUDE be chill.
Stay in and hate-watch a real bad movie so you two can make fun of it together and talk without giving a shit about missing anything.
2. Go To Dinner
Dinner is one of the worst meals to choose for a first date, mainly because it comes with EXPECTATIONS. Dinner is the major leagues of meals, so there’s a lot at stake – do you pick a fancy restaurant? How fancy? Are you guys expecting to split the check? It might be expensive! Do you stay for dessert? Is it rude to not order dessert if your date is? How much should you tip to not look like a cheapskate but also not way overspend?
And then (since dinner typically takes place at night), there’s the AFTER-dinner stuff – do you just split apart after leaving the restaurant? Does one of you walk the other home? A simple peck-kiss, or fuller-on make-out in front of the door? Go upstairs? Are you gonna seriously bang on the first date AFTER eating that chocolate lava cake?
It’s just A LOT.
Brunch – it has all the advantages of dinner (well, it has booze) without any of the negatives.
3. Meet For Coffee
Oh good, you made your first date feel like a job interview AND your breath is gonna smell bad AND you seriously suggested Starbucks so my guess is you’ve just decided to remain celibate the rest of your life.
Meet to smoke pot. Almost no one will turn it down and you won’t have to worry if your date is gonna judge you for ordering a mocha frappe.
4. Meet At a Bar
Bars are loud (bad for conversation) and good for one thing: booze. Booze is great! It’s a social lubricant, which pretty much every date requires, but in a bar where there’s ONLY alcohol, it becomes a problem. See, you’re not falling in love or being charming, you’re just getting drunk. That means you’ll be vastly overestimating how interesting you think the other person is AND how well you’re presenting yourself. You could be a slurring gross drunken mess, screaming at the top of your lungs to be heard in the crowded dank bar, and basically have no awareness of that.
Wine bar! It’s a little classier-seeming, a lot less crowded, AND you probably won’t get as wasted as you would have drinking whiskey sours.
5. Go On a “Group Hang”
Ah, the classic strategy of THE DOWNRIGHT YELLA-BELLIED COWARD – a “group hang.” You don’t have the cajones to actually ask out someone on a real, genuine date, so you sheepishly ask if they wanna “hang” with you and a few other people and just “chill.”
STOP. IT. DO NOT BE THAT COWARDLY.
You like someone? Well, then you don’t want their first romantic impression of you to be a spineless wimpy overly-defensive faux-date where you and your buddies spend half the night playing Smash Bros.
Go somewhere where neither of you knows anyone, for god’s sake.
6. Your Birthday Party
This is basically the “group hang” multiplied to infinity – where everything that was wrong with that idea gets even worse. Since it’s your birthday, you’ll be expected to be interacting with lots of other people and will barely be able to spend any one-on-one time with your date (it is VERY generous to be calling this a “date” by the way). Also, you’re almost guaranteed to get sloshed beyond recognition, which is not a great way to make a first impression on someone who may not know you or any of your friends too well and will feel out of place and ignored the entire time.
Also, are they supposed to bring you a gift? That would be weird, right? Or would it be weirder to NOT bring a gift? Shit, should they leave a happy birthday comment on your Facebook? Would that be even weirder still?!
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO YOUR POOR DATE, IDIOT.
Go on a regular date the day after your birthday (WITHOUT MENTIONING IT) – your confidence will be high and the relationship won’t get into birthday gift awkwardness for AT LEAST a year (on your end).
Why would you possibly think it’s a good idea to take a first date to a wedding?! Maybe you (in your total lack of logical thinking) have figured that weddings are super-romantic and classy, so it’s the best way to make a first impression.
Except it’s not. Weddings are stressful for everyone involved – the bride and groom, the families, the friends – everyone’s ultra-concerned with looking their best and anxiously awaiting getting trashed at the open bar. You’re sending your date into the lion’s den here – where they have to spend money on an outfit and overprepare trying to look good, surrounding them with strangers who all know each other well, AND adding in the weirdness of how much the two of you should be dancing together on your FIRST DATE (do you do the slow dance to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” or not?!).
Go on a date at divorce court. Seriously, THAT’S a better idea than doing your first date at a wedding.
8. Just ANY Family Event
NO. DO NOT DO THIS. NO GRADUATION PARTIES, SUNDAY DINNERS, OR EVEN A CASUAL GET-TOGETHER. Don’t bring in the awkwardness of family until (at a MINIMUM) the 7th date.
Literally anything else