The High School Sweetheart
How you two meet: In the 2nd period of study hall during your sophomore year
If you’re still with your high school sweetheart, good for you. However, if you had a dramatic, over-the-top breakup, then you should really knuckle down and don’t try to get back with her. You’ll soon realize that college isn’t what you thought it would be like, and you may be stuck in a room with a nerd.
When the disappointment of freshman year starts coming around, you will find yourself double-tapping the Instagram feed of your ex and start texting her Drake lyrics. This is where you have to stay strong, because girls can smell pathetic, and desperation like animals can smell fear. In the best case scenario you’ll likely stir up something that was rightfully over, and worst scenario, you end up with a restraining order before you got out of your teenage years.
How you two meet: Watching her do a 90 second keg-stand
You should really know what your speed is because once you meet the YOLOist, you won’t know what hit you. In college, you are bound to meet girls who can easily chase a handful of molly with one shot of whiskey and still party like no tomorrow.
Your college will have its fair share of Miley Cyrus and Ke$sha aspirants, but it really is up to you, whether you try dating the YOLOist, because she is all about that life bro, and you don’t want that.
Anyone’s Younger Sister
How you two meet: Hanging around at the back of the party
You are going to run into a girl that is ditching junior prom, just so that she can have a really party. You should just politely introduce yourself and then keep it moving, because when your friend introduces a girl to you as his or her “younger sister”, you need to think of her as some infected leper.
Don’t even think about dating this chick. That is if you don’t want to be the dude everyone knows as ‘In College and still scheming on High School Girls”. Just no dude!
The Serial Selfie-ist
How you two meet: Accidentally photo bombing her shot
There is actually a good rule that you should heed in life. Never sleep with or date someone who posts more than 2 selfies a day. These days every time you open Instagram you come about pics of barely legal girls posing as if their daddy’s didn’t hug them enough.
Remember that a girl that needs who need this much attention, is going to punch you in balls and leave you floored. You don’t need to fall into the trap so quick, so duck and weave past this one, like Floyd Mayweather Jnr.
How you two meet: The laundry room of the dorm
You should stop before the thought even comes into your mind. You don’t want to be dating your roommate, because when things go sour, it’s going to get really awkward really fast. Once you begin dating your roommate, soon one of you is going to end up getting jealous and then cheating with one of their friends from out of town.
Remember that in a dorm, everyone knows what you do and where you live, so don’t even try to bring trouble where you live man. That’s the most important thing of dating in freshman year.
The Tag-Happy Social Medialite
How you meet: She borrows a pen during a lecture, and then friend, follows, and tweets you instantly!
The key to scoring the ladies is by keeping a low-profile. You will find that college is going to be full of guys who will exaggerate the number of women they have dated. You don’t want to be identified with the other douches in college who are only interested in playing the field.
Be smart and score in private, you don’t want to hookup with or date someone who will tag you in every photo and check-in your hangouts all over college.
Your Girlfriend’s Sorority Sisters
How you two meet: Locking eyes at the Tri Delta’s black light graffiti party
You definitely don’t want to be dating one of your girlfriend’s sorority sisters, because gossip will fly like a runaway train that even Denzel Washington wouldn’t be able to stop. Sure, those sorority girls may be the bomb, but sleep with one of them, and you’re sleeping with all of them.
Plus, once the rumor starts spreading, there is going to be no stopping it, and one of your frat brothers, may just end up breaking the news to your girlfriend and try to comfort her. Trust me; you’re not ready for that in freshman year.
The Captain Of The Wrestling Team’s Girlfriend
How you two meet: A SOC 101 lecture
Your college campus must be teeming with incredibly buffed up dudes who are in on athletic scholarships. So you really should be walking on eggshells around these frat guys, who only want an excuse to roundhouse kick, you to another dimension if given the chance.
If you think that dating the girlfriend of the captain of the wrestling team is a good idea, then go for it! At worst, you will only have a broken jaw. Also, tell Emma Watson that we said “hello”.
The After Hours Binge Eater
How you two meet: The wraparound line at the afterhours Taco Bell
As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t sleep with people who you meet after midnight. You are mostly going to meet girls who are fueled with a nights worth of Adderall and boxed wine to fuel the poor decisions they have made in their life.
Don’t even think about dating someone, who asks you whether you’re “going to finish your Whopper?” while still munching down a handful of fries.
The Dorm Hall Neighbor
How you two meet: She knocks on your door and asks you nicely to turn down the Taylor Swift
Dating your neighbor is just as bad an idea as dating your dorm-roommate. It is highly probable that you fall for her, and due to your lack of experience and age, you will feel as if you have a connection. All of this will make it hard for you to ignore her after an ill-advised night of drinking, and you will end up knocking on her door at 2 a.m.
It is not going to do your any favors when the starting linebacker of the football team opens the door in a towel and knocks you flat out with a smack to the right of your head. Remember, don’t invite trouble where you live.