1. The shitty second date:
I was on a second date. We were driving back from dinner, and I felt my stomach cramp up. I pled for him to pull over on the interstate. He questioned if I was OK, but I couldn’t even answer because I was puckering my butt cheeks so tightly. Lo and behold, I shit my pants. Diarrhea came up to my back, above my jeans. It was awful. But that man is now my husband.
2. The zombie apoopcalypse:
I was playing a zombie in an independent movie. I wasn’t feeling well, and the small townhouse we were filming in was full of 30 people, so I got in my car to find a bathroom. I finally found a coffee shop, but it was too late: I already started pooping in my pants. I ran into the shop, screaming for the bathroom. The poor, old man at the counter was speechless and pointed to the back. When I got into the bathroom I realized I was still in full zombie makeup and probably almost gave the old man a heart attack.
3. The paralyzed pooper:
I ran into 7-11 because I couldn’t hold on much longer. The feeling of unleashing that toxic foam was incredibly relieving, but I had pinched a nerve in my lower back when I sat down too fast (I have a moderate disc hernia). This hurried diarrhea squat rendered me paralyzed from the waist down. I couldn’t relieve the pressure on my nerve that caused the paralysis because that requires standing up, and I couldn’t stand up because I was paralyzed. The EMTs came to lift my naked ass off the toilet, and I regained feeling in my body.
4. The wedding bowels:
My husband and I got married in Vegas. We headed back to the room, where he immediately fell asleep and I began throwing up and pooping at the same time, everywhere, still in my gown. I used every last piece of fabric in the suite — towels, pillow cases, the shower curtain — cleaned what I could, and threw it all out. The next year we returned for our anniversary and divinely wound up in the same room. We noticed the furniture was repositioned, so my husband moved the couch and said, “Hey! Your puke stain is still here!” Little does he know, that wasn’t a puke stain.
5. The pool drainer:
I was five years old while on a family vacation, and my sister and I decided to go swimming. I really had to fart, so I swam to the side and let it rip. Big mistake. I had uncontrollable diarrhea in the pool. My mom had to carry me to the hotel bathroom as I leaked, and she bathed me because there was diarrhea everywhere. Long story short: they had to drain the hotel pool because of me.
6. The mac ‘n’ cheese mistake:
It was the first day of volleyball practice, and I ate an entire pot of mac ‘n’ cheese. We were running laps around the field, and I had to poop. The school was closed, so I’d have to do it in the woods. I moved as quickly as my clenched ass would take me, but there was nothing that could stop the watery mess that was exploding from my asshole. In a moment of complete horror I made a decision: I sat down. I was forced to sit in my own messy shit and explain to my coach that my soul died, and my mom had to come pick me up. Knowing that standing up would cause the poop to slide down my legs, I opted for a crab walk across the field to my mother’s car. Everyone knew why.
7. The brown bath:
My stomach hurt, but every time I farted I felt a bit better. I decided to take a nice bath. I climbed in with my book, merrily farting away, and let out a couple farts that didn’t feel quite right. Turned out I had violent diarrhea in the tub. I frantically tried to get out, but of course I was sick and dizzy, slipped, hit my head, and dropped my book in the tub.
8. The handy distraction:
I was in college and on antibiotics, which were wreaking havoc on my digestive system. After a party I ended up at my crush’s dorm room. I kept everything above the waist, for fear of losing control over my intestinal muscles. He suggested I sleep over, which I unwisely agreed to. Once I was sure he was asleep, I very carefully parted my butt cheeks to release the most silent fart possible, but liquid hell came out. I could feel my skirt and underwear barely holding the mess. He woke up, blissfully unaware of what just happened two inches from his, um, package. I needed to escape, so in my poop-induced panic I gave him a hand job as a distraction and then left. I walked home with liquid shit running down my legs. Ended up dating the guy for three years.
9. The property poopers:
My family and I were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I had eaten Denny’s that morning and all of a sudden, I didn’t feel right. We were in a residential area, so with no bathroom in sight I saw a house for sale and scrambled to the backyard where I had the worst diarrhea of my life. My mom later joined me, as she had the same breakfast plate as well. As I was relieving myself, a realtor came out back and asked what I thought of the property.
10. The gooey finish:
After eating some really spicy pizza, I ended up having sex with my boyfriend. I was cumming and naturally all of my muscles were very relaxed, when I suddenly smelled something bad. I instinctively touched my behind and to my horror I felt some goo. I freaking shat on my boyfriend’s balls. I ran to the bathroom, crying. Luckily we were able to laugh about it.
11. The airplane tooter:
Halfway through my flight, I headed to the bathroom. Five days worth of spicy Costa Rican food came shooting out of me, filling the toilet nearly to the brim. If you look at most airplane toilets, there’s a graphic telling you to close the lid prior to flushing. I did not heed this warning. I flushed and suddenly found myself covered in diarrhea.It was as if a bomb had exploded in the bowl. There was diarrhea on the ceiling, on every wall, and all over me. I did my best to clean up, but nothing could hide the stench when I returned to my seat.
12. The drunken disaster:
I got drunk and had my boyfriend pick me up from a party. I proceeded to vomit the whole car ride home, out the window and onto peoples’ lawns. When I got back to his house we noticed I smelled really bad and that I shat my pants. I was wearing stockings so it was smushed everywhere. He had to give me a shower. I was so drunk and was crying, saying, “please don’t break up with me!”
13. The running farter:
My boyfriend and I were doing a popular workout DVD. I had been a little bubbly in the belly all day. We were running in place and I felt it safe to fart, but instead I literally shit right out of the side of my shorts, through my underwear, and onto our beige carpet. He was horrified.
14. The constipated camper:
I was at an all-girl’s camp, and of course we had a hot male leader. I was pretty constipated one day, so the nurse gave me something to help. Later on I went into the corner of the cafeteria to fart, only it wasn’t a fart. Shit ran down my legs and onto the floor. The hot male leader was coming, and I didn’t know what to do, so I opened a can of tomato sauce and dumped it on my lower body to make it seem like I spilled something. He totally knew, because the first thing he said was “did you poop?”
15. And Mary Poopins:
I saw Mary Poppins at our local performing arts center, and my stomach turned to knots. At each slight pause I prayed the curtains would drop, only to be horrified when another song started. Finally the curtains closed. I jumped from my seat and plowed through the people, where I was then stopped by some friends. I tightened my sphincter and put a fake smile on my green, sweaty face. I then booked it to the restroom. The toilet almost caught fire from my explosive ass. My mom followed the scent of nuclear waste mixed with stagnant pond sludge to find me miserably sitting with a flood of molten lava burning everything in its path. I looked as though I had survived war. May 14th will be solemnly remembered as the Day of the Brown Squirts; the day I contemplated squatting mid-aisle during a play; the day I learned that life is fleeting.