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The Worst States in America

West Virginia

West Virginia has a staggering 14.7 percent unemployment rate among 20-24 year-olds, but ranks LAST in the amount of high-speed internet available. So not only are young people unemployed, they’re also totally bored! And just how do they expect them to check Craigslist while playing World of Warcraft with limited bandwidth? Well, they’re sure as hell not going to drink the polluted water! It doesn’t come in Mountain Dew flavor anyways.

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New Mexico

The Land of Enchantment? More like The Land of ENTRAPMENT! Everyone that knows someone that knows someone that is slightly connected to the state of New Mexico, knows that New Mexico isn’t even worthy of capitalization. First of all, why do we need a NEW Mexico? That’s an old joke for a reason– because it’s going to be funny eventually. Second of all, why does Mexican food suck in New Mexico? Maybe because the pathetic 16Mb/s internet they get from Comcast prevents New Mexicans from looking up recipes online. Seriously, New Mexico sucks. Breaking Bad was probably the best thing that ever came out of New Mexico, and it was FICTIONAL. And it was a story about METH. Listen, if turquoise is an acceptable stone for a wedding ring in the state you’re in, RUN!

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Arizona

Arizona is one of the worst states in America for the following reasons:
1) It borders New Mexico.
2) Some people from New Mexico live there.
3) The heat makes it really hard to enforce the “Papers, Please” law without the documents getting soggy from sweat. It’s legal to laminate them, but then they make your butt even MORE sweaty.
4) It’s right there next to New Mexico.
5) If you go to Grand Canyon University you have to explain that it’s different than the University of Phoenix for the rest of your life, and then you have to attend Grand Canyon University.
6) New Anti-Gay Senate Bill 1062 makes it legal for businesses to discriminate against anyone they choose, all in the name of religious liberty. Hooray.

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Florida

Florida is justly counted among the worst states in America for the simple fact that it was colder than Russia during the 2014 winter Olympics. Is this really fair? Yes. It takes two to tango. And it takes a really large amount of seniors to make the tango look ridiculous enough to never ever ever be included in the Olympic games. What? You couldn’t turn up the heater? You ALWAYS turn the heat up. #sochiproblems

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Indiana

Who the hell is Diana? And why? What? Is that really appropriate? Indiana?! Yes, Indiana is currently in a pro-choice vs. pro-life battle, but come on! You don’t have to be Indiana to realize that a clinic that only provides pills, never actual surgical procedures, has no need for separate rooms for surgery and recovery. And think about this: In 2003 about 18.5% of women in Indiana smoked during pregnancy. So there’s a whole mess of 10 year-olds with smoker’s cough (it does too work that way!) running around. That can’t be a new trend. Women don’t just decide to start smoking at the age of 11 when they get pregnant. Which leads us to think that there’s probably plenty of ADULTS that were smoked out in the womb. Suddenly the Indy 500 makes complete sense.

Too much? They’ll be fine. It’s not like they’re New Mexico.

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Hawaii

Hawaii, so casual, so cool. They don’t care what the hell goes on in landlocked America. It’s all gravy for them (pig gravy). It’s like they’re on their own private island that relies almost solely on tourism for money, serves everything (even Subway sandwiches) with ginger, and still demands that people pay FAR out the ass to live there. It’s like the ultimate time share. You too can come to Hawaii and sell tourists little souvenirs that say Hawaii but were made in China!

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California

California is a terrible state because for one, it touches Arizona which borders New Mexico. That is the foremost reason why it sucks. Never lose sight of that. It also bans any “mechanical device that reproduces obscene language” in San Francisco. So you can say goodbye to your foul-mouthed GPS girlfriend– and just when you two were getting close!

p.s. Carrying around a guitar case in L.A. doesn’t make you famous, no matter how long you wear your wayfarer glasses after dusk. #foryourhealth

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